Seeking validation is the desire, to get someone else’s approval.
Observe, that seeking validation isn’t right or wrong.
Why?
Let us take a close look.
Seeking validation often has a negative connotation in society.
What if by seeking validation, you end up, improving yourself?
What if it aids in your personal growth and development?
Would you still classify it as “wrong”?
At times in life, you create imaginary boundaries for yourself, which limit you.
There are people, sometimes mentors, who can see beyond these boundaries.
If you try to seek their validation and approval, and eventually end up improving yourself, then what is the issue?
Right or wrong, good or bad are fabrications of the mind.
These lens of “duality”, confine the nuance which is inherent in our lives.
If you treat “validations are bad” as a rule, you will fail.
There are no rules in life.
The things in life can rarely be classified into the buckets of “this” or “that”.
A serious person seldom views the world as, black or white because he is aware of the fact that the truth often resides in grey areas.
Life is highly nuanced and delicate, my friend.
These categorizations, classifications and labels, place a barrier in your head.
You may abandon them, if you want to deeply examine the truth.
What if a person X invalidates you
But you improve yourself in order to live up to his/her ideal and become a better man in general?
You looked how your “validations are bad” rule was incorrect.
Now, let us observe this from another perspective, from different angle.
If you seek validation, then there is a strong possibility that this desire will be endless, like the water in the Heron’s fountain.
What is the issue with that?
The problem is, that this way, you will become a slave to someone else’s opinion.
Note: Their opinion, about you or your work in general, might be correct or incorrect.
If it is incorrect, and you let it affect you, then it can severely hamper your chances to grow.
If you seek constant validation, then you can never become truly fulfilled in life.
Your behaviour, to seek validation, can destroy the peace within and ruin the chance to fully express yourself, through various mediums, including creation of art.
Suppose you don’t receive the validation that you expected to receive.
Now, to fill your hollowness, you begin to perform theatrics and attention-grabbing stunts.
Can you see where it leads you?
It is an endless cycle, an infinite loop.
Remember how you felt when you were denied approval from your peers or the compliments and approval from the women you liked?
How was the feeling?
You felt terrible, right?
Do you wish to experience that same feeling again?
Or do you wish to get out of this loop?
And transcend this, for once and for all?
Most actions, of a human being, are dictated by his desire, to get liked.
Isn’t this basically a sort of imprisonment, he creates for himself?
The need to seek validation, does not allow a person to express his authentic, unique and true nature.
An unserious person might read this and say
“Ok, so I should not seek validation, and I should express my true authentic and unique nature”
No. This is again your mind tricking you into accepting binary perorations.
There is no “should”.
Why?
Because “should” is based upon assumptions.
Assumptions are the breeding grounds for falsehoods.
It does not cater to your unique situation and circumstance.
Suppose you are in a situation where expressing your true self can cost you something precious.
Now, if you treat what I said as a “rule”, you will end up losing that.
Truth is never 0 or 1.
Do you understand, that in order to seek approval, you may end up pursing activities that can cause you immense trouble and harm, later in life?
For example, ingesting substances, smoking cigarettes etc?
Have you ever wondered, why do people post things they do in daily life on Instagram?
Why do people post their holiday pics on social media?
Why do people post their selfies on Instagram?
Why do people post stories about their daily schedules?
Why do people post about their friendships on twitter?
Almost all of them do so to seek validation from their peers and colleagues.
They want to get acknowledged by society and appreciated by their friends.
This isn’t right or wrong.
Notice, how fanatically, you keep refreshing the feed to check how many “likes” your post garnered.
Now, relax for a while and think about it.
What will happen if you don’t get likes?
Most likely, it indicates that people don’t like what you posted.
They are not interested.
Maybe, they don’t like you as a person.
Maybe they don’t like your specific post.
So?
So what?
What is the issue even if people don’t like you or your posts?
This only demonstrates that you are an insecure person, who leeches onto people to extract his share of validation from them.
Imagine the possibility
Imagine the scenario
Where you don’t care about what people might think of you or your post.
Imagine.
How does it feel?
Can you sense a flow of freedom, deep within your veins?
Freedom and peace, are probably the only things worth striving towards in life, apart from truth.
Validation is so engrained in your mind, that only genuine desire to break out from this loop can save you from getting emotionally wrecked.
People who help others often seek validation.
People who do charities often do so to seek validation.
They want to feel good about themselves, and want to get acknowledged and appreciated by society. They want to hear from people that they have done something good for humanity.
If they truly want to donate, genuinely, then why don’t they do it anonymously?
Even people who are humble, seek validation.
Since humility is appreciated and acknowledged by society in general.
Of what use, is such humility, that does not arise from within?
Of what use, is such humility, that caters to the preferences of the social groups?
Having no humility is much closer to truth than constantly wearing a fake mask of “supposed” humility.
Almost everything, that a human being does, socially, is to gain validation and he carefully constructs his show by putting up his facade and mask.
Even the so called, “intellectuals”, are constantly seeking validation.
They want the public to appreciate their mind created intellectual ideas.
This isn’t bad. This isn’t good either.
The matter is that genuineness cannot emanate from such place.
Why is genuineness crucial?
Because the truly brilliant, unique and original ideas are directly a consequence of genuine longing to understand something, instead of showing off.
No amount of validation can make you feel complete within yourself, for long.
Don’t believe me, verify it through your own experience.
I wish to declare, that no words, written in this post, are to be believed, unless you see it for yourself.
I don’t want to convince you of anything.
Why?
Because convincing other means to brainwash him with your own view of reality.
I cannot commit this crime.
You may ask
“VK, I understand. All my actions, are direct derivates that arise from the desire to seek validation.
But why do I want to feel validated?”
“VK, why do I carve for validation?”
“Why do I carve for social acceptance”
It is because, you are not complete, within yourself.
It is because, you carry prestige for your “self” image.
You enjoy the pleasure, that stems from societal approval.
This pleasure, just like all other pleasure in life, is short lived and often leads to misery.
You, have created an image of yourself in your mind.
This image, is the “self-image”.
You endlessly worship your self-image.
Validations, pump up this self-image and inflate it like a balloon.
Compliments, praises, flattery and approval inflate it.
A single insult, however, is like a needle that instantly deflates it.
Why does it take a single insult to cancel the effects of multiple compliments?
This is the reason, why.
Those who constantly carve acceptance, are treated like trash in this society.
Look how sad people pleasers are, and how they are treated by society.
What kind of pity life they are living?
A man who relies on no one, needs no one, stands out in the crowd of sheep who cares about the opinion of their herd.
You must have seen such messages on social media or heard them in real life interactions
“I’m feeling grateful today”
Well, if you are feeling grateful, then why do you need to advertise?
“I’m a very helpful and kind person”
If you are a kind person, then why do you need to advertise?
Something like this is evident.
“I care about you”
Well, if you do care about me, then your actions would automatically signal your intent. Why do you need to state something like this? Why do you need to advertise? This is all done to feel good about yourself, and to gain validation from me and feel better about your self image.
The trap of validation, is engrained so deeply into the system, that any human being, who entangles himself in this game, is bound to suffer and suffocate his true identity forever.
“VK, I now understand the havoc caused by seeking validation. How do I stop it?”
The truth is, that there is no “how”.
How-to’s are basically questions that desire instructional, algorithmic recipes as an answer.
A path, that surely leads to failure.
If you are truly serious about, not seeking validation, you won’t seek it.
You only need “realization”.
There is no need to accumulate more methods and steps to remove it.
Clickbait tweets and videos of “influencers” have told you about 1000 different ways on how to stop seeking validation.
What was the result of following those steps?
Perhaps no significant changes were observed.
Seriousness, on your part, is critical if you wish to transcend these feelings and needs.
My friend
You may take a close look at yourself
And see, what you have become.
What people pleasing has done to you.
What seeking validations, has done to your brain and your sense of happiness.
You have robbed yourself, of pure joy and bliss
Which arises from expressing oneself by the way of pure actions.
If you honestly, with all your heart, evaluate your past actions from a third person’s perspective
You would start crying.
Your mistakes, have decimated you.
However, there is no space for regret in this life.
Learn, and move on.
Best
VK
